{this moment}

Into the Woods

It was far away, but not too far away. It was raining, but not too hard. It was quiet, but there was conversation. It was hard work, and it was light work, it was soulful work.

I just recently got back from a retreat at Vajrapani Institute for Wisdom Culture in Boulder Creek. The title of the retreat was Cultivating Compassion Training. The Vajrapani Institute is a Tibetan Buddhist retreat center, though this was a secular retreat. The four day retreat was the first to be built from an eight week class that takes place at the Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education at Stanford.  Vajrapani is just up the road from me by 23 mountain miles. Mountain miles are slow, they're narrow, they're windy. There are lots of bumps in the mountain mile. It felt a world away, really. I listened to my friend Sky's new album, it was the perfect soundtrack to the journey by road as well as the journey by mind that was ahead of me. By the time I arrived on Thursday afternoon I was ready to take a deep breath and start in on the work ahead of me.

One of the first questions I was asked when filling out my paperwork upon arrival was "how did you find this retreat?". I needed to reflect on the question, as I really couldn't remember. It took me to the end of the weekend to completely unravel the answer to that straight forward, innocent question. In short, the answer is that I didn't resist the temptation to click on a "register here" button - tho I'm still not certain how I found that button. I've been telling myself silently for a few weeks now "feel afraid but do it anyhow". It was just to be, I guess. You may wonder what is to fear in a retreat? Well, imagine yourself sitting with a group of strangers for four days contemplating compassion in silence and discussion and let me know what emotion or emotions come up for you.

I thought I went there to get away, connect with my compassion for my youngest child and just be still. What I realized along the way, sometimes even hijacked by, was that I was also there to find self-compassion and a deeper compassion for the whole of my family. For a while now I have found it difficult to still my mind without my body moving and this four day retreat helped me with that. I also discovered that my daily hikes with Kitty are my meditation practice of late. This trip helped me reconnect to myself and it reawakened my spiritual curiosity and my commitment to myself. It has been so easy to dismiss myself over the past several years. The sentence usually begins something like "i'm just a...". My new conversations with myself begin "I am..." They are much kinder conversations.

There were plenty of moments over those four days that I felt like a spiritual buffoon, but I muscled through and found compassion for myself. It's a really good place to start/continue the journey.

"May all beings be happy"; the sign you pass through as you leave the Vajrapani Institute.

Pictures from Maui

We recently got back from a trip to Maui. This was our first whole-family vacation in a very long time that didn't involve visiting grandparents or aunts and uncles. The last one I remember was 2007! What? Is that possible? It is, in fact a fact.

Chris and Max arrived first in Maui on Friday. Coleman and I followed on Monday afternoon. I was so tired Monday when we arrived I can't even remember what we ended up doing.

Tuesday morning we got up pretty early and headed to the harbor for some snorkeling at Molokini crater. It was for sure a highlight of our trip!

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Wednesday was ziplining! It was just Chris, Max and I on this adventure. Coleman stayed at the condo this day because, well he always gets sick when we get on a plane, and this was his down day. The zip lining company and people were wonderful. We used Eco Adventures. I think we were all wishing for something a little more thrilling, with the exception of the last line it was all pretty tame. We're adrenaline junkies and I was expecting to really push the adrenaline envelope. We may need to jump out of a plane to get enough excitement for our crew. Later in the day we did a little driving to the west side of the island for pizza and salad at Flatbreads in Paia. I was a little disappointed in the pizza, I have to say. But the town itself was a wonderful place and we walked around a bit while we waited for a table. I don't have pictures of the town because it was raining and I neglected to take any.

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Thursday the boys went fishing first thing in the morning. It was 6:30 when they left the condo. I think this may have been their favorite activity, fishing and snorkeling. Later that day we drove to the south. We were aiming for Kaupo general store. We didn't make it (it's a gravel road) - though it is quite possible we were almost there. GPS doesn't work there and there were no signs so we simply turned around after being on the gravel road for some time - did I mention you're not supposed to take rental cars on the gravel road? It was a beautiful but somewhat desolate place. Much of the island was unexpectedly unwelcoming - not the people, the environment. It is warm, sure, but also the south shore is windy, rocky and didn't really have much soil to speak of, the beaches were giant, mostly smoothed boulders of black lava. Coleman could not wait to go back to "civilization" he found it desperately lonely and depressing.

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Friday Coleman and I got up really early and went to a beach Chris and I discovered Wednesday morning. We grabbed giant coffees at Starbucks and headed out past Makena Beach State Park to a beach that was covered in coral and lava pebbles. Because there is a ranch that shares a border with this land, we were able to see a number of goats walking around the woods and beach. In the tidal pools there were plenty of tiny fish to see and Coleman saw a baby eel hiding in between some rocks. Lured by the promise of the eel siting, Max and I went later that same day to see what we could see. The tide had changed - but still much to see! Max saw a small eel (about a foot long) eating a fish! After these little beach adventures Chris and I went for a drive that I was unable to keep my eyes open for, so we turned around and went for a hike. The road we were on (one of the roads to Hana) was narrow and windy and on the edge of a mountain. Very pretty. Very steep. A bit much for me when I'm not in the driver's seat.

Ram in the trees at the beach.

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Saturday was our last full day on the island. By Saturday the boys were done. They just wanted to stay at the condo and chill, maybe go to the pool. Definitely not go for another drive! Chris and I drove to up to Makawao, my favorite town that we visited. Oh the galleries and food! Mostly galleries in abundance made me happy and the town is historic and quaint. Like most of Maui, there are wild chickens everywhere. In Makawao we saw a lot of baby chicks walking around. Then we drove to the top of Haleakala, the highest point on the island, and a very cool 10,023 feet high to watch the sunset.

Baby chicken on the sidewalk of Makawao.

Chris on top of Haleakala, that's lava you see all around.

We returned home Sunday night, just as Monday morning arrived. Then the kids got up a few hours later to go to school! It was a lovely trip to Maui. So glad we went.

On their way to Hawaii

Just got this great pic of Chris and Max on their way to Hawaii. Wanted to share. Coleman and I will be joining them on Monday. Kitty and the girls have a wonderful friend here to care for them. Life is good.

{this moment}

Read: the life-changing magic of tidying up by marie kondo

Ah, the ever-present need to "tidy up". By need I mean both the internal need to have things in order and the quite obvious mess that needs to be tidied and cleaned. I've just started reading a book by Marie Kondo called "the life-changing magic of tidying up; the Japanese art of de-cluttering and organizing". You've probably picked up your own copy by now or seen it in stores. It's a pretty book, aesthetically speaking, and possibly just the kick in the pants I need to change the world. The world around me, that is. The immediate space surrounding me and my family. I've felt for some time that the lack of order in my world makes it more difficult to kick Lyme disease, be healthy, have people over, get the kids to do something interesting when they're home, enjoy a meal, generally be happy, healthy and achieve all the things we want - even imagine things that we want to achieve. It's all about clarity and finding order. Stuff can hinder progress towards, well, just about anything. You think I'm being dramatic? Possibly, but I might be right too.

I'm about 25% into the book and I can already tell you it's about more than tidying. In my opinion a better title would be: "Getting Your House in Order". Tidying evokes a casual and swift moving things about and dusting image in my mind. While getting your house in order sounds more grounding and an entirely encompassing effort that requires a great deal of presence and self knowledge and for some people, soul-searching. How often do you stop to think about the crap you've accumulated and what it means about the state of your life, your mind, your home, our country and our world? Not long, I'd guess. Maybe we all should spend a few minutes a day considering this deeply.

It is a little challenging for me to read this. I despair that I lack enough OCD to ever fully embrace this life-change. And I worry about Marie Kondo's mental health as I turn the pages and find her need to keep every minute detail in check. Ah, but she has made a career out of this and turned what could be a burden into a gift. I don't think I can turn my clutter into a gift if I tried, so I shall embark on a little OCD journey (for as long as I can take it). Anyone up for the challenge?

Having Fun in the Studio

I've been preparing LAST MINUTE, of course, for a sale this coming Sunday. I'll be at the Tannery Art Center from 11:00 to 5:00 selling my work! Please swing by if you're going to be anywhere near Santa Cruz.

I started working this Sunday (seven days before the event). Sometimes, when I get a little spark or just finally make the decision to START I ask myself: "Why on earth do I not do this every day?". It's just plain fun. A ton of work and exhausting, but just so much fun!

Here's what I've been up to:

::grateful::

I Am Grateful for

Kitty

My friends

Sunshine

A family trip in the near future

My husband

Clay and metal

My home

My studio

Long walks in the woods

COFFEE

Love

Compassion

Forgiveness

...

{this moment}