Here's to New Adventures!

Hey there, friends, it's been a while! I realize I haven't spent much time on this blog since 2015. My life changed quite a bit that year and I was focused inward and spent any leftover energy on my family. As of January of 2019 I've been turning my focus from what I've learned during that inward work. I'm emerging, I guess you could say. I am six, almost seven months into a life coach training program called Courageous Life Coach Certification or CLCC. It's based on the work of Kate Swaboda, also known as Kate Courageous.

This work has brought a great deal of clarity to my life. It wouldn't be overly dramatic to say I feel more purposeful than I have ever felt before. Well, that is a dramatic statement. And a true one. I'd love it if you stopped by my new site, Tese Mascari for a visit and a peek at what I've been up to, I'd love to hear what you think, too! Here's to new adventures!

A Wish for Papa's 87th Birthday

Today would have been Papa's 87th birthday. Right now, I am imagining myself sitting with him in the sun, on the porch at 48 Portside Drive, telling him all the things I cherish most about him. I wish that imagining could be real life, I wish it could take place right now. I am able only to retrieve the love in my heart for him, though I do remember our challenges together. He was, on occasion a little difficult, you know?

I've already shared the words that follow with some of you, but I would like to share them again today, March 27, 2019, Papa's 87th birthday:

My Father, Mike 

If you knew my father, Mike you were probably aware of his affection or love for you. He had an expansive heart and he held so many of you in there. Papa was a gentle soul, who saw less than gentle times growing up and in wartime. As far as I could tell he was incapable of holding a grudge, and could end a tense moment with a chuckle and a sparkle in his eyes. His love and affection truly was dependable.

Growing up with Mike as a father we learned some important life lessons:
# 1: Mike’s Tuesday Night Poker Game table is a more lucrative place to collect on lost teeth than the tooth fairy, hands down.
# 2: How to swing a golf club.
#3: How to rescue needy animals.
#4: Always carry cash.
#5: How to use power tools!
And, most importantly,
#6: How to be kind.

I am grateful and fortunate to call Mike my father, I’m grateful my children knew him as their Papa and my husband knew him as his father in law. We all knew his love, and we will carry his love inside us for the rest of our lives.

In some of the pictures I have of Papa with my boys, if I look at them long enough I am transported back to that moment and I can feel his presence. It is an overpowering, whole body experience, and it brings an aching to my heart. Today, as I look at these pictures and the smile in my father's eyes as he holds my two boys when they were younger I know the untold imprint of his love on their hearts is deeply present in their beings. I am so grateful for that love, that imprint, and for the time we all shared together. Time spent loving one another is time well spent. I love you, Dad/Papa/Mike. Thank you for spending some time with us and loving us in the very best way you knew how, it has armed us all for this world and we will always draw on that love in the best and worst of times.

Abundance and Gratitude

Our lemon tree is wildly productive after our wet winter. These are the best lemons I've ever tasted. I can walk out our back door, take ten steps to this tree and within moments have a bowl filled with juicy Meyer lemons. Message me if you'd like me to mail you some!

I am grateful for:

Sunshine

Reggae Music

The Redwood Forest

Changes and Challenges

Friends

My boys

Courage

Community

Resistance

:: grateful for family ::

Nana & Papa resting after a long day.

I just returned from a trip back east.  My time there seemed to whiz by, it hardly felt like seven days.  Time seems to be doing that lately.  My kids are growing up too quickly, my parents are aging too quickly and I have found myself on the down-hill side of mid-life (unless I live to be 98).  Not that I'm feeling sorry for any of it.  I'm grateful for the time I have had with my parents and the love and support I have had, and continue to receive from each of them. I'm grateful for my siblings and our ability to support one another and how we are able work together to make our parents lives manageable. I'm grateful for the unending love & support of my husband and my two understanding boys.

This trip was not an easy one, dad is not well. He is in late stage Parkinson's and has been maintaining a hope that he can recover. This Friday he said to me: "Don't worry, honey, I've had a good life." This was the first time he's ever indicated to me - or anyone I know of - that he has some inkling that he will not get better.  The one week I spent with my parents, my father's state of being fluctuated so radically it was hard to keep track of and to manage my own expectations. What I know to be true right now is that he is in a safe place with his needs being taken care of while he waits to return home once my mother has recovered from her hip replacement.

Nana. Oh Nana. Picture Mighty Mouse flying through the sky To The Rescue, that's Nana. This week she's had to rescue herself from hip pain by way of hip replacement surgery. Her doctor believes she will be home by the end of the week - a mere ten days after having her left hip replaced. She really is Mighty Mouse. Wish I could be there to help them both through the next month or more.

Alas, there's no way for me to be in two places - 3,000 miles apart - at once. So here I am, back in California, taking care of myself and my boys. My heart is in two places but my body in one.

Happy 85th Birthday, Dad!

What a lovely day it is today, My dad's 85th birthday! Today I learned something new from Coleman who learned it in his "travels" in Hawaii. It's called "A Rose and A Keiki". The Rose represents something you've learned or gotten good at and the Keiki is something you need to grow or nurture in yourself (Keiki means child in Hawaiian). My dad's rose is forgiveness, and his keikis is conversational resilience. I adore my dad, he's good people. It's a lovely endeavor to consider good qualities in others and even to appreciate what they are still working on or struggling with.

See Max down there? He caught a bird with his bare hands today. I sometimes call Max "Mickey" - that's one of dad's names. I really like the sound of it, it suits my youngest and I like giving him something of my dad's. Max's rose is contentment, it's also his keiki. Much love to you all, I hope you are all considering your own roses and keikis.

{this moment}

Into the Woods

It was far away, but not too far away. It was raining, but not too hard. It was quiet, but there was conversation. It was hard work, and it was light work, it was soulful work.

I just recently got back from a retreat at Vajrapani Institute for Wisdom Culture in Boulder Creek. The title of the retreat was Cultivating Compassion Training. The Vajrapani Institute is a Tibetan Buddhist retreat center, though this was a secular retreat. The four day retreat was the first to be built from an eight week class that takes place at the Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education at Stanford.  Vajrapani is just up the road from me by 23 mountain miles. Mountain miles are slow, they're narrow, they're windy. There are lots of bumps in the mountain mile. It felt a world away, really. I listened to my friend Sky's new album, it was the perfect soundtrack to the journey by road as well as the journey by mind that was ahead of me. By the time I arrived on Thursday afternoon I was ready to take a deep breath and start in on the work ahead of me.

One of the first questions I was asked when filling out my paperwork upon arrival was "how did you find this retreat?". I needed to reflect on the question, as I really couldn't remember. It took me to the end of the weekend to completely unravel the answer to that straight forward, innocent question. In short, the answer is that I didn't resist the temptation to click on a "register here" button - tho I'm still not certain how I found that button. I've been telling myself silently for a few weeks now "feel afraid but do it anyhow". It was just to be, I guess. You may wonder what is to fear in a retreat? Well, imagine yourself sitting with a group of strangers for four days contemplating compassion in silence and discussion and let me know what emotion or emotions come up for you.

I thought I went there to get away, connect with my compassion for my youngest child and just be still. What I realized along the way, sometimes even hijacked by, was that I was also there to find self-compassion and a deeper compassion for the whole of my family. For a while now I have found it difficult to still my mind without my body moving and this four day retreat helped me with that. I also discovered that my daily hikes with Kitty are my meditation practice of late. This trip helped me reconnect to myself and it reawakened my spiritual curiosity and my commitment to myself. It has been so easy to dismiss myself over the past several years. The sentence usually begins something like "i'm just a...". My new conversations with myself begin "I am..." They are much kinder conversations.

There were plenty of moments over those four days that I felt like a spiritual buffoon, but I muscled through and found compassion for myself. It's a really good place to start/continue the journey.

"May all beings be happy"; the sign you pass through as you leave the Vajrapani Institute.

Pictures from Maui

We recently got back from a trip to Maui. This was our first whole-family vacation in a very long time that didn't involve visiting grandparents or aunts and uncles. The last one I remember was 2007! What? Is that possible? It is, in fact a fact.

Chris and Max arrived first in Maui on Friday. Coleman and I followed on Monday afternoon. I was so tired Monday when we arrived I can't even remember what we ended up doing.

Tuesday morning we got up pretty early and headed to the harbor for some snorkeling at Molokini crater. It was for sure a highlight of our trip!

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Wednesday was ziplining! It was just Chris, Max and I on this adventure. Coleman stayed at the condo this day because, well he always gets sick when we get on a plane, and this was his down day. The zip lining company and people were wonderful. We used Eco Adventures. I think we were all wishing for something a little more thrilling, with the exception of the last line it was all pretty tame. We're adrenaline junkies and I was expecting to really push the adrenaline envelope. We may need to jump out of a plane to get enough excitement for our crew. Later in the day we did a little driving to the west side of the island for pizza and salad at Flatbreads in Paia. I was a little disappointed in the pizza, I have to say. But the town itself was a wonderful place and we walked around a bit while we waited for a table. I don't have pictures of the town because it was raining and I neglected to take any.

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Thursday the boys went fishing first thing in the morning. It was 6:30 when they left the condo. I think this may have been their favorite activity, fishing and snorkeling. Later that day we drove to the south. We were aiming for Kaupo general store. We didn't make it (it's a gravel road) - though it is quite possible we were almost there. GPS doesn't work there and there were no signs so we simply turned around after being on the gravel road for some time - did I mention you're not supposed to take rental cars on the gravel road? It was a beautiful but somewhat desolate place. Much of the island was unexpectedly unwelcoming - not the people, the environment. It is warm, sure, but also the south shore is windy, rocky and didn't really have much soil to speak of, the beaches were giant, mostly smoothed boulders of black lava. Coleman could not wait to go back to "civilization" he found it desperately lonely and depressing.

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Friday Coleman and I got up really early and went to a beach Chris and I discovered Wednesday morning. We grabbed giant coffees at Starbucks and headed out past Makena Beach State Park to a beach that was covered in coral and lava pebbles. Because there is a ranch that shares a border with this land, we were able to see a number of goats walking around the woods and beach. In the tidal pools there were plenty of tiny fish to see and Coleman saw a baby eel hiding in between some rocks. Lured by the promise of the eel siting, Max and I went later that same day to see what we could see. The tide had changed - but still much to see! Max saw a small eel (about a foot long) eating a fish! After these little beach adventures Chris and I went for a drive that I was unable to keep my eyes open for, so we turned around and went for a hike. The road we were on (one of the roads to Hana) was narrow and windy and on the edge of a mountain. Very pretty. Very steep. A bit much for me when I'm not in the driver's seat.

Ram in the trees at the beach.

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Saturday was our last full day on the island. By Saturday the boys were done. They just wanted to stay at the condo and chill, maybe go to the pool. Definitely not go for another drive! Chris and I drove to up to Makawao, my favorite town that we visited. Oh the galleries and food! Mostly galleries in abundance made me happy and the town is historic and quaint. Like most of Maui, there are wild chickens everywhere. In Makawao we saw a lot of baby chicks walking around. Then we drove to the top of Haleakala, the highest point on the island, and a very cool 10,023 feet high to watch the sunset.

Baby chicken on the sidewalk of Makawao.

Chris on top of Haleakala, that's lava you see all around.

We returned home Sunday night, just as Monday morning arrived. Then the kids got up a few hours later to go to school! It was a lovely trip to Maui. So glad we went.

On their way to Hawaii

Just got this great pic of Chris and Max on their way to Hawaii. Wanted to share. Coleman and I will be joining them on Monday. Kitty and the girls have a wonderful friend here to care for them. Life is good.

{this moment}